Marking My Spot

There goes my self-esteem... yep, down the drain. And it's because of nothing else but Me... Me Me Me... I thought I know myself. But I don't.

One of my bestest friends and I had a serious talk last week about what's been up (or is it down) lately. She asked if I'm sure that I'm ready to hear everything - the whole 10 yards, blow by blow. I thought, "What have I got to lose?", so I said yes. After listening to her excruciating 90% truth about Me, I didn't know if I wanted to cry, to hurt myself, or be simply scared. I felt great shame. I realized I'm alone. I started to imagine people reacting strangely over my actions. I began to understand how much hurt I caused those who are closest to me.

Now I feel like I don't deserve them at all. Mostly, I feel like I don't deserve this person who used to defend me. The same person whose trust I betrayed. And I'm sincerely sorry for having hurt him - big time. He deserves to be treated way better.

On the other side, God is showing how much love He has. That despite of who I am and what I did, He blessed me with three great friends who I appreciate now more than ever:

The first is the Good-hearted. The one who knows who I am, and always has the guts to tell, and yet can still see some goodness in me.

The second is the Intellectual who gives his own perspective on things and tells me where to focus, and how to move on.

And the third is the Comforter. The person who I was there for months ago when he needed the most, is the same person who goes out of his way to be there for me now. He doesn't take sides. He knows what I did and yet he stands by me and comforts me.

I'm not sure what right now is. Probably another chapter or another book. Whatever it is, I hope that someday, people will be able to forgive me. I promised my Good-hearted friend that I don't care how long it takes but I'm going to say sorry to the person I hurt the first time we talk again. At this point, I'm going to stay out of sight and give him all the time and space he needs.

Then I'm going to reflect and pray- to thank God for this trial; and to ask for wisdom to figure out how to overhaul myself.